MAGS, MAGS, WORLD
After not hearing from Mags the MAGA since September, I was surprised (pleasantly? unpleasantly?) when he called last Friday. To talk baseball or NBA playoffs? No. Mags wanted to riff about a variety of non-sports topics. And, of course, when you talk with Mags you also converse with his wife, Maggy the MAGA, and their 30-something daughter, Magnet the MAGA.
In a weird way it was refreshing to talk with the MAGA’s. The conversation was a reminder that I am a reasonably intelligent, informed-by-facts human in possession of common sense.
TWO: Hello, Mags.
MAGS: How’d you know it was me?
TWO: Because, for the umpteenth time, I have Caller ID.
MAGS: Hey, don’t be a wise guy. You don’t think I know all about AI? I am well-versed in AI.
TWO: No, no, I’m talking about Caller ID, not artificial intelligence. Caller ID let’s you see who is calling you and has been in use for decades. AI has only recently become a widely applied technological phenomenon.
MAGS: Look here, Mr. Opine smarty-pants, let’s change the subject to something else because I know AI when I see it. AI is what makes the flame appear when you flick a lighter. AI makes your brake lights come on when you press the brake pedal. I get AI.
TWO: Not so but fine, let’s change the subject.
MAGS: Yea, let’s talk about Trump totally destroying that nasty girl on CNN.
MAGGY: You’re right, honey. It was an old-fashioned beatdown!
TWO: That’s not the way most people saw it. Depends on whose side you’re on.
MAGS: We’re on the side of America.
TWO: That’s good to hear.
MAGGY: That’s why we support pardoning all those political prisoners who were tricked into breaking into the U.S. Capitol on January 6.
TWO: Tricked?
MAGGY: Yes, they were invited for a tour. And one of them was supposed to win a raffle prize whereby the lucky winner would help Mike Pence count electoral votes.
TWO: Goodness…
MAGS: But instead, they were told to go home.
MAGNET: Yea, just like in the Wizard of Oz when that guy told Dorothy she couldn’t see the Wizard.
MAGGY: They understandably became upset so they let themselves inside, to get raffle tickets for a chance to count electoral votes.
TWO: What on Earth?
MAGS: Actually, it was hell on Earth for those peaceful, defenseless patriots who were abused by the police.
MAGNET: Yea, and now some of the most peaceful ones – Proud Boys and Oath Keepers – have been charged with seductive conspiracy and may go to prison for 20 years!
TWO: They are guilty of seditious conspiracy. But we are way off the subject of Trump’s CNN town hall.
MAGNET: Nancy Pelosi should be charged with seductive conspiracy because she seduced those fine people into going inside the capitol. She had them believing they would help count electoral votes. Anyway, we now have CNN marked as one of our favorite channels.
MAGS: Miracles do happen. We never thought CNN would become so conservative. We saw former Texas Governor Rick Perry on CNN. And we heard they are officially changing their name to the Conservative News Network and may give Peter Navarro and Mike Flynn their own shows.
TWO: Where’d you hear that?
MAGGY: We heard it on Alex Jones’ Infowars. Infowars also said Van Jones would no longer be on CNN because he cries on TV more than that weeping televangelist Jimmy Swaggart.
TWO: Infowars, now there’s a trustworthy, credible source.
MAGS: Speaking of trustworthy, Trump told nothing but the whole truth during that town hall. He had that nasty girl’s head spinning.
TWO: For instance?
MAGS: Like when he said he completed the biggest infrastructure project in American history, building The Wall to keep all those South Americans from crossing our border, traveling through Mexico.
TWO: Not true, and it’s also not true that Mexico paid for the wall.
MAGGY: They will. Mexico doesn’t have the money right now. Trump, the richest man in America, paid for the wall out of his own pocket. As soon as Mexico finds the money to pay for the wall, they will reimburse Trump. But first they must recoup money from the Hunter Biden-sponsored drug cartels.
TWO: What? What planet…
MAGNET: Mars. If you are wondering what planet we will send all illegal immigrants to, it’s Mars.
MAGS: That’s why we are exploring Mars, it’s safer than San Francisco or Chicago. Elon Musk is getting Mars ready to receive illegal immigrants.
MAGNET: Yes, and I heard Ron DeSantis wants to box up all the books he doesn’t like and ship them to Mars. He might make Disney relocate to Mars so illegal immigrants have something to do on Mars. Elon Musk is loaning them SpaceX to transport everything. And Mexico’s paying for it all.
TWO: Well, I never…
MAGS: We know, you never voted for Trump. But you will next time. In 2024, Trump will be the only name on the ballot.
MAGGY: Like in Russia, where Putin’s name is the only name people can vote for.
TWO: That’ll be the day.
MAGNET: It will be a glorious day! Trump in the White House and Hunter Biden living on Mars with illegal immigrants!
TWO: I gotta go. I’m running late.
MAGS: Late for what?
TWO: Doesn’t matter but I’ve got to go. Goodbye.
© 2023 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.