TATTOOS GONE WILD
My new BFF, Mags the MAGA, called again this week. The things that get Mags, his wife Maggy and their 30-something daughter Magnet, tied in knots never cease to amaze me. I may have to start blocking their phone calls.
TWO: Hello, who is this?
MAGS: It’s Mags! I thought you had caller ID?
TWO: I do. However, since you always ask how I know it’s you calling, I decided to pretend not to know who it was.
MAGS: Spoken like a true lib. Pretending not to know.
TWO: Huh?
MAGS: You liberals pretend not to know the 2020 election was stolen, rigged against Trump.
TWO: False.
MAGS: You antifa-sympathizers pretend not to know antifa destroyed the U.S. Capitol on January 6, while peaceful Trump supporters quietly toured the building.
TWO: False again. What’s got you riled up? It’s way too early in the day to be so ornery.
MAGS: Horny? I’m not horny.
MAGGY: Not until you take three doses of Viagra and a shot of bourbon. Then you become wild and sexy, like the pillow guy!
TWO: Mike Lindell? TMI.
MAGGY. What?
TWO: Too much information.
MAGGY: Don’t you tell me what to say or not say, opine man.
TWO: Geez, y’all are jumpy today.
MAGS: You’d be jumpy, too, if your daughter got a tattoo.
TWO: Wow, Magnet got tatted?
MAGNET: Yes.
TWO: What’d you get?
MAGNET: Well, I meant to get a tattoo of the Republican symbol. But I couldn’t remember whether the GOP symbol is an elephant or a donkey. So, the guy who tatted me, he’s Hispanic, I asked him but he didn’t know. He’s only been in Texas for about a year.
MAGS: Probably here illegally.
MAGNET: But he did say he likes donkeys more than elephants.
MAGGY: He probably crossed the Rio Grande riding a donkey.
MAGNET: Anyhow, since the cute tattoo guy likes donkeys, I got a donkey tattoo.
TWO: A red, white and blue donkey tattoo?
MAGNET: Yes. It’s on my right shoulder blade.
TWO: You know the donkey is the Democratic symbol, right?
MAGNET: Yeah, I do now. Go ahead mom, tell Mr. Opine you got a tattoo.
TWO: Really? What’s your tattoo, Maggy?
MAGGY: That’s none of your business.
MAGNET: I’ll tell you.
TWO: I’m all ears.
MAGNET: Well, it’s…
MAGGY: I can speak for myself! The girl who did my tattoo asked if I have a favorite saying. I said yes, I have a favorite saying. When Magnet was little and kids would ask if she could come out and play, if we were busy, I’d say, “Not all angels can play.” I wanted a tattoo of that phrase.
TWO: How sweet.
MAGGY: The tattoo girl – she was only about 20 – said she was low on ink and suggested I just use the first letter of each word. I said fine, make it an acumen.
TWO: Ah, that would be an acronym. But in this case it’s an abbreviation.
MAGGY: Whatever. I told her to go ahead.
TWO: Hmmm… Not. All. Angels. Can. Play… NAACP. Uh, oh.
MAGGY: Yes, unfortunately, NAACP is tattooed on my left calf in big letters running vertically.
TWO: LOL!!
MAGGY: Mags, tell him about your tattoo.
TWO: OMG, Mags got one, too?
MAGS: What I do is really none of your business.
MAGGY: Tell him, or I will.
MAGS: Well, I was in another room getting a tattoo at the same time as Maggy and Magnet. The boy who did my tattoo asked me the same thing, if I have a favorite saying.
TWO: And…
MAGS: So, I told him my favorite saying is, “Life gives bold tough questions.” I wanted a tattoo of that phrase. Then he also says the shop is almost out of ink. He said I should just use the first letter of each word. You know, an acumen.
TWO: Acronym. But in this case it’s just an abbreviation.
MAGS: I told him to go ahead.
TWO: No, you didn’t!
MAGS: Yes, I did. Never put two and two together until it was too late.
TWO: Life. Gives. Bold. Tough. Questions… LGBTQ. Oh, boy. Where?
MAGS: On the outside of my left arm, located between the tricep and bicep. My left arm is bigger than my right arm. I always show off my left arm.
MAGGY: Several years ago, Mags even had me cut the left sleeve – only the left sleeve – off all his tee-shirts so he can show off his left arm.
MAGS: And now LGBTQ, in big letters, is tattooed on my big left arm! $%#&@!!!
TWO: Heavens. At least the tattoo artist didn’t add the “+” symbol. LOL!
MAGS: Knock it off, wise guy.
TWO: Sounds like the three of you should knock off your ill-advised tattoos.
MAGS/MAGGY/MAGNET: Shut up, opine man!
TWO: Have fun wearing long sleeve shirts and long pants – in hotter than hell Texas – the rest of summer!
MAGS: (Click; hangs up)
© 2023 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.