THE MAGAS MOVE
You’ve gotta read this to believe it. As folks used to say in the small town where I grew up, Mags the MAGA “has done gone crazy.”
The Weekly Opine (TWO): Mags, there is a moving truck at your house.
Mags the MAGA (MAGS): Very observant Mr. Opine…we’re moving!
TWO: Mar-a-Lago?
MAGS: Ha-ha. Real funny. My wife Maggy and me ain’t saved up enough money to live there.
TWO: Even if I had enough money, I would not move to Mar-a-Lago.
MAGS: You kidding? That would be a dream come true, to be neighbors with President Trump and First Lady Melania.
TWO: You mean ex-president Trump. Who will someday be license-plate-making jailbird Trump.
MAGS: You wait. QAnon says Trump will regain the presidency. TODAY! March 4th!
TWO: Don’t hold your breath. Anyhoo, we’re off topic. Where are you moving?
MAGS: Texas.
TWO: What?! You are taking Maggy and your daughter Magnet to Texas? Is your cable out? Haven’t you seen the news reports about all the problems in Texas?
MAGS: What problems? Texas is perfect.
TWO: For starters, the electrical grid is unreliable, unless the temperature stays above 70 degrees. Only a bat would purposefully move to Texas. You could be in the dark most of the time. Or maybe a Polar Bear would go there because of how cold it will be when you have no heat.
MAGS: You are full of it.
TWO: Have you been vaccinated?
MAGS: Nope. We discussed it as a family. There will be no vaccinations for the MAGAs; Mags, Maggy, nor Magnet.
TWO: Oh, boy.
MAGS: We want freedom. And Texas Governor Greg Abbott just gave the whole state a “get out of jail” card by opening everything up one hundred percent! No masks, no handwashing, no social distancing, restaurants brimming at capacity, full stadiums, and standing-room-only at enclosed music venues…
TWO: Sounds like Abbott just sentenced Texans to coronavirus purgatory. His decision will result in more positive cases, more hospitalizations, more people on ventilators, and preventable deaths. Not a single, sane medical expert, that is, someone who believes in science and facts, thinks Abbott made a smart decision. Just. Plain. Dumb.
MAGS: Man, you are a Negative Nelly. Don’t you want to be free?
TWO: I am free. But I do not want to keep yo-yoing back-and-forth like we have the past year. Lock down, then open-up partially. Lockdown again, open-up partially again. What Abbott just did, and what other ignorant fools like South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem are doing, is playing Russian Roulette with the virus. Yet, you are taking your family into the vortex of the storm.
MAGS: Don’t preach to me. I want warmer weather. I want a ribeye steak in a packed restaurant. I want to watch sports in an overcrowded sports bar with spittle flying around. And I want Magnet to be able to go on spring break with all the college kids.
TWO: Magnet is 30. Isn’t that too old for college spring break?
MAGS: Magnet was finishing up her degree taking online classes at Trump University.
TWO: Trump University folded several years ago.
MAGS: Right, so she has plenty of time for spring break partying at Padre Island. She can stay as long as she wants because there are no classes to miss. But I told her if she sees New York Governor Cuomo to run in the opposite direction. He’s a creep.
TWO: We agree about Cuomo. Texas sounds ideal for the MAGA family. And it would not bother many Americans if Texas made good on its frequent threat to secede.
MAGS: Threat to succeed? Texas is already a huge success. Texas is the biggest, greatest state in the U.S.
TWO: No, no, I’m talking about Texas seceding.
MAGS: Are you nuts? Texas succeeded by taking the Rose Bowl game away from Pasadena earlier this year.
TWO: Gosh, maybe I’ll help you load the truck. But only if you wear a mask.
© 2021 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.