TICKETS FOR SALE
Last Monday, an unexpected phone call came in from Mags the MAGA. My phone was charging in another room so I missed the call. Mags left a terse message saying, “Call me right now.” His voice exuded desperation. Of course, I let Mags stew for a few days, refusing to jump just because he said ‘jump.’ Truthfully, I was finishing up last week’s blog post, the first in a month, and did not want to be distracted by Mags the MAGA’s MAGA nonsense.
Finally, on Friday, I called Mags. He answered the phone gasping for air like an Olympics hurdler after finishing a 400-meter race. Here is our phone conversation, chalk full of ‘crazy’ courtesy of Mags, his wife Maggy, and their daughter Magnet:
MAGS: Hello.
TWO: Hello Mags
MAGS: (interrupting) Who the hell is this?
TWO: Hi, this is
MAGS: I said, WHO THE HELL IS THIS?
TWO: Well, give me a chance and I’ll tell you who it is. It’s
MAGS: Oh brother, it’s the opine guy. What do you want?
MAGGY: (in the background) Hang up Mags, that guy’s a lib loser. L-O-S-U-R.
MAGNET: (in the background) Ask Mr. Opine if he knows where I can get vaccinated?
TWO: Actually, Mags, I am returning your call.
MAGS: I never called you.
TWO: Sure, you did. On Monday and I still have the message. Here, I’ll play it. (Plays message)
MAGS: Oh, yea. I wanted to know if you know of any place I can unload some tickets, and how much I can get for them.
TWO: That depends. What are the tickets to, a ballgame?
MAGS: No.
TWO: A concert?
MAGS: I despise most music, so no.
MAGNET: (blurts out from the background) The tickets are to Trump’s second inauguration. Kid Rock is the music act. I love Kid Rock!
TWO: What?
MAGGY: (in the background) Dumb-dumb, you haven’t heard Trump’s getting re-installed?
TWO: Well, I never…
MAGGY: (in the background) Yes he is, you liberal dope. On August 15th.
TWO: Is that so?
MAGS: Here, let me put you on speaker…(unintelligible grousing)…help me Magnet, how do I get him on speaker?
MAGNET: Press the button that says “Speaker.”
MAGS: Good, there. Listen, we got two tickets for me and the wife to go to Trump’s second inauguration. Cost us $1,200 apiece.
MAGGY: They want another $1,500 to stay in Trump’s hotel. For one night!
TWO: Sha-zam!
MAGS: But we’re having second thoughts. Those people who invaded the U.S. Capitol are now getting arrested.
MAGNET: Some of them are already in jail!
MAGS: Yea, and I don’t want no part of prison. I need to dump these tickets. Maybe on one of them re-sell places.
TWO: I highly doubt any legit ticket re-sale operation would accept tickets for something that’s fake. Maybe you can sell them to gullible QAnon quacks.
MAGGY: Hey, buddy, wrestling’s fake and people buy tickets to that stuff all the time. Can you help us or not?
TWO: Yes. Magnet, contact your local government office, or pharmacy such as Walgreen’s or CVS, and they will help you get vaccinated.
MAGNET: Thanks, you are so sweet.
MAGS: Don’t let that go to your head opine man.
TWO: What?
MAGS: My daughter calling you sweet. If you go anywhere near her I'll…
TWO: Just trying to be helpful. I won’t go anywhere near her, not a chance.
MAGGY: Duh, her name is Magnet because she attracts men. You’ll go near her. Or are you saying Magnet’s not a “catch?”
TWO: I’m saying I’m about to hang up and get on with my day. Good luck with those tickets. Goodbye.
© 2021 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.