MAD, MAD, MAGS
I talked with Mags the MAGA last weekend. To say Mags is not a happy camper would be understating it more than a bit. I almost feel bad for Mags. Almost. What follows is what I can print of The Weekly Opine’s (TWO) conversation with Mags (he swore a lot).
TWO: Hi Mags. Long time no see.
MAGS: What the hell do you want?
TWO: Oh, I’d settle for a reciprocal “hi” from you.
MAGS: Do not get your hopes up. I’ve lost hope so you shouldn’t get to feel hopeful, either.
TWO: Well, I’ll admit after four years of Trump, I – and many normal, sensible people – almost forgot what it feels like to have hope. But hopeful we now are. You should be hopeful, too, Mags, but you look beat down.
MAGS: You’d be dejected, too, if the election was stolen from your candidate.
TWO: Come on, Mags. It has been proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Biden won fair and square, which is more than can be said for Trump’s ‘victory’ in 2016.
MAGS: Man, you are a Deep State sucker…a nutcase!
TWO: Sure Mags, and what are you?
MAGS: A patriot who believes everything Trump ever said.
TWO: Hmmm…are you still waiting around for Trump’s wall to be built along the southern border? Still waiting for Trump’s tariffs to reduce the cost of appliances? Still waiting for Trump to arrive at the Capitol Building and lead the insurrection? Should I continue?
MAGS: No, please stop!
TWO: The truth sometimes hurts. And the truth is Trump is a loser, impeached for an unprecedented second time.
MAGS: Just look at all the things Biden has already done to ruin Trump’s legacy.
TWO: Mags, now you know how we felt when Trump undid President Obama’s initiatives. Washington Post opinion writer Paul Waldman said it best earlier this week. Democrats should tell Republicans, “We understand your feelings. We get why you don’t like this. But we’re doing it anyway because it’s the right thing to do. You’ll get used to it.” See?
MAGS: Shut up, you #@&%!
TWO: Settle down, Mags. By the way, I hope you were not in D.C. on January 6.
MAGS: I was there. Wore army fatigues I bought the week before at an army surplus store. But I was smarter than those dummies who broke into the Capitol.
TWO: Keep going, I love hearing one dummy call other dummies dumb.
MAGS: I kept my eye on Rudy Giuliani. When he said “trial by combat” I looked at him – and at Trump – and said to my wife, Maggy, “Trump and Giuliani are wearing business suits. They don’t look like they are going to be fighting with us against the U.S. government.”
TWO: Very perceptive, Mags. Go ahead, continue...
MAGS: So, I decided to keep an eye on them. Trump was escorted back to the White House in a motorcade. He didn’t even walk the short distance! He had a car take him. He wasn’t even carrying a gun.
TWO: Too many cheeseburgers and sodas.
MAGS: And that Mayor Giuliani disappeared, like into thin air. Like David Copperfield made him disappear; poof! he was gone. Giuliani chickened out, like all the Trump henchmen. Big talkers but do nothings. Where was Stephen Miller? Steve Bannon? Bill Barr? Mike Pompeo? Peter Navarro? Wussies, all of them.
TWO: You said it.
MAGS: We didn’t see Josh Hawley or Ted Cruz, either. Big talking, do nothing wussies. Hid in their offices while the real patriots fought bravely.
TWO: Who were the insurrectionists fighting? I saw a smattering of Capitol Hill cops, but no real resistance. The American terrorists kinda just walked in, as if they were welcome to roam freely.
MAGS: Dang, you are dumb! They were fighting for our freedom!
TWO: Is that so? Has it occurred to you that you are already free? Do you think Russia would permit its citizens to overrun the Kremlin, smashing and grabbing whatever they could get their hands on?
MAGS: You make a good point.
TWO: Finally, I’m getting through to you. Mags, you know it’s not too late for you, Maggy, and Magnet to find your way home.
MAGS: Duh, we know how to get home. My daughter, Magnet, has been home all day. She’s on the internet checking out QAnon’s next move, which is to make Trump the 19th president on March 4. Maggy’s at a friend’s house making “Stop the Steal” and “Lock Her Up” posters. She’ll be able to drive home without help from a flippin’ liberal. Anyhow, the MAGA’s family will not be unifying with your kind.
TWO: Crazy talk, Mags. CRAY-zie. Please just get vaccinated when your number comes up.
MAGS: %#@*$!!!!!
© 2021 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / All rights reserved. All rights reserved.