TICKETS FOR SALE — The Weekly Opine

Speaking with the MAGAs via cell phone is a special treat. (Photo credit The Weekly Opine)

A head-spinning exchange

Last Monday, an unexpected phone call came in from Mags the MAGA. My phone was charging in another room so I missed the call. Mags left a terse message saying, “Call me right now.” His voice exuded desperation. Of course, I let Mags stew for a few days, refusing to jump just because he said ‘jump.’ Truthfully, I was finishing up last week’s blog post, the first in a month, and did not want to be distracted by Mags the MAGA’s MAGA nonsense.

Finally, on Friday, I called Mags. He answered the phone gasping for air like an Olympics hurdler after finishing a 400-meter race. Here is our phone conversation, chalk full of ‘crazy’ courtesy of Mags, his wife Maggy, and their daughter Magnet:

MAGS: Hello.

TWO: Hello Mags

MAGS: (interrupting) Who the hell is this?

TWO: Hi, this is

MAGS: I said, WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

TWO: Well, give me a chance and I’ll tell you who it is. It’s

MAGS: Oh brother, it’s the opine guy. What do you want?

MAGGY: (in the background) Hang up Mags, that guy’s a lib loser. L-O-S-U-R.

MAGNET: (in the background) Ask Mr. Opine if he knows where I can get vaccinated?

TWO: Actually, Mags, I am returning your call.

MAGS: I never called you.

TWO: Sure, you did. On Monday and I still have the message. Here, I’ll play it. (Plays message)

MAGS: Oh, yea. I wanted to know if you know of any place I can unload some tickets, and how much I can get for them.

TWO: That depends. What are the tickets to, a ballgame?

MAGS: No.

TWO: A concert?

MAGS: I despise most music, so no.

MAGNET: (blurts out from the background) The tickets are to Trump’s second inauguration. Kid Rock is the music act. I love Kid Rock!

TWO: What?

MAGGY: (in the background) Dumb-dumb, you haven’t heard Trump’s getting re-installed?

TWO: Well, I never…

MAGGY: (in the background) Yes he is, you liberal dope. On August 15th.

TWO: Is that so?

Mags the MAGA is among those hoodwinked into believing Trump will return to the White House next month. (Photo credit unidentified Instagram user)

MAGS: Here, let me put you on speaker…(unintelligible grousing)…help me Magnet, how do I get him on speaker?

MAGNET: Press the button that says “Speaker.”

MAGS: Good, there. Listen, we got two tickets for me and the wife to go to Trump’s second inauguration. Cost us $1,200 apiece.

MAGGY: They want another $1,500 to stay in Trump’s hotel. For one night!

TWO: Sha-zam!

MAGS: But we’re having second thoughts. Those people who invaded the U.S. Capitol are now getting arrested.

MAGNET: Some of them are already in jail!

MAGS: Yea, and I don’t want no part of prison. I need to dump these tickets. Maybe on one of them re-sell places.

TWO: I highly doubt any legit ticket re-sale operation would accept tickets for something that’s fake. Maybe you can sell them to gullible QAnon quacks.

MAGGY: Hey, buddy, wrestling’s fake and people buy tickets to that stuff all the time. Can you help us or not?

TWO: Yes. Magnet, contact your local government office, or pharmacy such as Walgreen’s or CVS, and they will help you get vaccinated.

MAGNET: Thanks, you are so sweet.

MAGS: Don’t let that go to your head opine man.

TWO: What?

MAGS: My daughter calling you sweet. If you go anywhere near her I'll…

TWO: Just trying to be helpful. I won’t go anywhere near her, not a chance.

MAGGY: Duh, her name is Magnet because she attracts men. You’ll go near her. Or are you saying Magnet’s not a “catch?”

TWO: I’m saying I’m about to hang up and get on with my day. Good luck with those tickets. Goodbye.