MAGS, MAGGY, AND MAGNET

Still crazy

The other day, while strolling my neighborhood, I saw Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy the MAGA, and their 30-year-old daughter, Magnet the MAGA. They had just exited a taxi, having returned from O’Hare Airport following the Thanksgiving holiday. Surprisingly, they had no luggage.

When I saw them this week, the MAGA’s refused to accept obvious results from last month’s presidential election. Fortunately, when we spoke they each wore a mask. Here is the transcript of the exchange between The Weekly Opine (TWO) and MAGS, MAGGY, and MAGNET:

TWO: There they are!

MAGGY: Who?

TWO: The three of you; Mags, Maggy, and Magnet.

MAGGY: Why don’t you say our names?

TWO: I just did.

MAGS: Honey, ignore him and his “there they are” hip-hop jargon. Geez. He’s acting cocky because he thinks Biden won the election.

TWO: Not cocky, just following the facts and the facts say the party is over.

MAGS: How many times did you vote?

TWO: Once. By mail.

MAGS: I knew it. You cheated. All those Democrat mail-in ballots were fraudulent.

TWO: Oh, brother.

MAGGY: Stop the jive talk. My husband is not your brother.

TWO: You are correct. Mags is definitely not my brother. Anyhow, the election was free and fair. American democracy worked.

MAGGY: Na. Trump said there was fraud in every state he lost, so it must be so.

TWO: Not so.

MAGGY: Rudy Giuliani says so. I love Rudy Giuliani, he’s adorable.

MAGNET: I have a bunch of Giuliani photos on my bedroom wall. He is so dreamy!

MAGS: That’s right, baby girl. This thing is not over.

MAGGY: And Mister Opine is on the losing side. Loser.

TWO: You do know the transition has begun? Are you aware Trump’s desperate lawsuits have been summarily dismissed?

MAGS: Duh…that’s what we want! Then the Supreme Court will rule in Trump’s favor. Amy Comey Barrett will cast the deciding vote.

TWO: Coney Barrett.

MAGNET: Yea, she’s related to James Comey. I heard she’s Comey’s sister. Amy Comey Barrett must be ashamed of her big brother for going after Trump with that fake investigation.

TWO: Her name is Amy CONEY Barrett.

MAGGY: And what’s with Jill Biden? Boasting she will continue teaching while serving as First Lady. Big deal. Those teachers have it made, taking summers off. And now they get to teach remotely wearing pajamas, sipping Bloody Mary’s.

MAGNET: Teachers have it made.

TWO: Hardly. Teachers are overworked and underpaid.

MAGS: Trump is the one who is overworked and underpaid. Do you know how hard it is to keep track of 14 million coronavirus cases and 275,000 deaths? He must be up all night crunching numbers. Obama never worked that hard.

TWO: Sooner or later, it always comes back to Obama this, or Obama that. You all are like Pavlov’s dogs with your conditioned response blaming Obama.

MAGS: Did you just say my wife and daughter are dogs?

TWO: No, I did not.

MAGGY: Good, because you’re not so hot looking yourself.

TWO: Whatever. Will you watch Biden’s inauguration on January 20th?

MAGS: Why bother? It will be the smallest inauguration crowd, ever.

TWO: Because of the “Trump Virus,” it could be.

MAGNET: Trump caught another virus? Poor guy, probably bone spurs flaring up again. At least he has the best doctors, like Dr. Oz.

TWO: OK, I gotta go…

Douglas FreelandDecember 3, 2020