CRAY CRAY (CRAZY)
Unexpected company… again
Yesterday, passing through on their way from the Republican National Convention the MAGA family, including Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy, their 30-something daughter Magnet, Mags’ brother Maggot, and his wife Magpie (Maggy’s twin), rang my doorbell again. I may have to move.
TWO: Oh… they’re… they’re back.
MAGGY: Don’t be so excited to see us.
MAGS: Yeah, how about a little enthusiasm?
MAGPIE: We’re tired from being squeezed in Mags’ camper and thought you’d welcome us with open arms.
MAGGOT: Is that too much to ask?
MAGNET: I’m happy to see you, Mr. Opine!
MAGS: Magnet!!!
TWO: How was the convention? Did you have good seats?
MAGS: We couldn’t get in.
TWO: I told you.
MAGGY: We dressed head-to-toe in MAGA outfits, and waved upside-down American flags but they still wouldn’t let us in.
MAGGOT: I even offered to help with President Trump’s security see’ins how the Secret Service let him get shot in Pennsylvania.
TWO: You have security experience?
MAGGOT: I used to work night security at a nursing home.
TWO: Well, that certainly qualifies you.
MAGGOT: That’s what I thought.
MAGPIE: Last Saturday we bought $500 worth of “Let’s Go Brandon'“ tee shirts on President Trump’s Save America website.
TWO: Great timing. Biden dropped out of the race on Sunday. You could kinda see that coming, no?
MAGPIE: Trump’s an honest man. He’ll refund our money.
TWO: You think so? Laughing my head off!
MAGNET: Tell him about our idea!
MAGS: We were having a celebration dinner after the last night of the convention.
MAGGY: At the White Castle in Kenosha.
TWO: White Castle?
MAGS: Yeah, and we decided when President Trump gets back in the White House, he should rename it the White Castle.
TWO: Oh, boy. Why?
MAGGY: Duh, because he said he’s going to rule forever. A king doesn’t live in a house.
MAGPIE: They should tear down the White House and build a replica White Castle, except much bigger.
MAGGOT: King Trump can have all the burgers he wants in his White Castle!
MAGNET: And since sliders are small, he’ll be eating healthy, too.
TWO: All I can say is, whew!
MAGGY: Wow! I never thought big mouth, know-it-all Opine man would have nothing to say.
TWO: Did you watch the convention? You said a few weeks ago your camper doesn’t have a TV.
MAGNET: We watched it at Best Buy.
TWO: You did?
MAGNET: Yes! And with all the TVs in there we each had our own TV!
TWO: You did?
MAGS: We did.
MAGGOT: It was uncomfortable sitting on the floor.
TWO: Was Best Buy OK with that?
MAGS: On Thursday night the manager asked us to leave when we started chanting, “Don’t lock him up!”
TWO: Did you leave?
MAGGY & MAGPIE: No!
MAGS: We told them we weren’t leaving until after King Trump’s coronation speech.
MAGGOT: We told them if they tried to make us leave, we’d do to their store what those pacifist, patriotic people did to the U.S. Capitol on January 6.
TWO: Violence?
MAGPIE: And we knew King Trump would excuse us.
TWO: You mean pardon you?
MAGGY: She knows what she means. Don’t put words in my sister’s mouth.
TWO: Well, excuse me.
MAGPIE: King Trump won’t excuse you. You weren’t even at Best Buy.
MAGGY: He would’ve been there if it was a Black Lives Matter protest!
MAGPIE: Riot is more like it. There wouldn’t be a single TV left in there because they’d steal all of them!
TWO: Now, now.
MAGNET: I met a guy in Kenosha.
MAGS: Magnet!!!
TWO: What’s his name?
MAGNET: Alphonso. He was wearing a Blacks for Trump tee shirt.
MAGGY: He’s Black.
TWO: Where’d you meet Alphonso?
MAGNET: He was handing out flyers in front of White Castle.
MAGS: He was probably on break from washing dishes.
MAGGOT: More likely on break from pilfering the cash register.
MAGPIE: To pay rent.
MAGGY: Or buy drugs.
MAGNET: He was nice.
TWO: Follow your instincts, Magnet.
MAGS: Hey! There is nothing between Magnet and Alphonso. So, do not meddle in my daughter’s business.
TWO: Never. Between the four of you Magnet has plenty of help.
MAGGY: You would know all about getting help. Affirmative action, subsidized housing, Obamacare, DEI. What was that other thing… the Lime Pamphlet?
TWO: Uh, the Green Book. It was called the Green Book.
MAGPIE: I’ll bet you need help finding your mailbox.
TWO: Say, you all look rested. Why don’t you run along?
MAGGY: Great idea. You’re putting me to sleep with your illiterate speaking in tongues.
MAGPIE: Sounds like Ebonics.
MAGGOT: Yeah, let’s get outta here.
TWO: You do know the Democratic National Convention is in Chicago next month. There are Best Buys and White Castles in Chicago.
MAGS: C’mon everybody, let’s go.
TWO: Thank you!
© 2024 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, Magnet the MAGA, Maggot the MAGA and Magpie the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.