MAGS HOLIDAY CHEER
‘Tis the season
Like a lump of coal in my stocking, I was subjected to a holiday visit from the MAGA family. The whole gang showed up; Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy the MAGA, their daughter Magnet the MAGA, Mags’ brother Maggot the MAGA, and his wife Magpie the MAGA (Maggy’s twin). I had a bad feeling when the doorbell rang, interrupting me while watching “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
TWO: Hi. Let me guess…
MAGS: A holiday visit!
TWO: That’s what I was afraid of.
MAGA FAMILY: Merry Christmas Opine man!
TWO: Merry Christmas.
MAGGY: Let us in, it’s cold out here.
TWO: Come in.
MAGPIE: And don’t get any warped ideas like in that holiday song “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
TWO: Trust me…
MAGGY: Trust you? That’s what Diddy said. Look where he is now.
MAGPIE: Who would name their child Diddy? Or Snoop Dogg?
MAGGY: I think they’re cousins.
MAGNET: I think they’re cute.
MAGS: Magnet!
TWO: Are you ready for the holidays?
MAGGOT: Not this year, but we will be at this time next year.
TWO: Uh, enlighten me.
MAGGY: Is that a “woke” word? “Enlighten” me?
MAGS: Yeah, cut the woke crap.
TWO: OH-kay.
MAGGOT: See, for those of us struggling to make ends meet, next year Trump’s tariffs will solve all our problems.
TWO: Americans paying more for food and electronics and cars is a problem solved?
MAGS: Yeah. Tariffs will force all those lazy people to get off welfare and stop using food stamps.
TWO: Huh? How?
MAGGOT: When prices go up, people will be motivated to get a better job to pay for things that cost more because of tariffs. And the people, they’ll be happy to work more hours.
TWO: Will they?
MAGPIE: Companies will gladly hand out big salary increases, way above the rate of inflation.
TWO: I hear Aerosmith singing “Dream on.”
MAGGY: Everyone will get bigger bonuses so they can buy more stuff.
MAGS: That’s what Elon Musk and that colored guy Viva Rampaswampy are going to do. Eliminate waste and give the savings to people like us so we can start living the good life!
TWO: His name is Vivek Ramaswamy and he’s not “colored.”
MAGS: Sure, whatever. He and Musk, they’re giving the whole country a Christmas gift.
MAGGOT: Wait, Ramatommy is Muslim. He knows nothing about Christmas.
TWO: It’s Ramaswamy! And his faith is Hindu.
MAGGY: There goes Mr. Know-it-all Opine man. Thinks he knows everything.
TWO: I know Vivek Ramaswamy is not Muslim.
MAGGY: Oh, be quiet!
MAGPIE: I heard someone say Elon Musk is African American.
MAGS: He sure don’t look like it.
TWO: Musk was born in South Africa.
MAGNET: The other night on that SNL program they said Musk is African American.
TWO: Saturday Night Live?
MAGPIE: No, it wasn’t Saturday Night Live! It was a show called S-N-L.
TWO: SNL, Saturday Night Live, one and the same.
MAGPIE: Hush!
MAGGOT: Musk being African American should stop the woke fokes from complaining.
TWO: The word is folks, it’s pronounced folks, not fokes.
MAGGY: There you go again, know it all.
MAGS: All the whining about Trump’s cabinet being full of White billionaires is baloney. Viva Rampaswampy, who is colored, and the African American Elon Musk are both in Trump’s cabinet. And he just named Herschel Walker ambassador to Bohemia and he don’t even speak the language.
TWO: Leading the Department of Government Efficiency is not a cabinet-level position. Neither is ambassador to the Bahamas.
MAGPIE: Isn’t it called the Department of Government Elimination?
MAGNET: I read on social media that DOGE is giving a big contract to 1-800-JUNK to dispose of government waste.
TWO: Hey, I just remembered, I’ve got to jump on a Zoom meeting.
MAGGOT: A what?
TWO: Zoom meeting.
MAGGY: Isn’t that what those drones circling above New Jersey are doing? Zooming along the East Coast?
MAGPIE: No, sis, zoom is the sound Elon Musk’s electric cars make. It’s also the sound SpaceX makes when it launches.
TWO: It’s neither. Please, I have a meeting. Happy New Year.
MAGS: It’s gonna be a happy year! Tariffs, jails full of Democrats, no more vaccines, no more DEI, our military in the streets rounding up immigrants…
TWO: Go!
© 2024 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, Magnet the MAGA, Maggot the MAGA and Magpie the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.