MAGAS GO SHOPPING
Something out of the ordinary happened this week. I was grocery shopping (ordinary) and ran into my former neighbors, Mags and Maggy the MAGA (not ordinary). The MAGAs were visiting this area to help their daughter, Magnet, settle into her new apartment. You’ll recall the MAGAs moved to Texas awhile back. Recently, their daughter moved back to Illinois, due to the ultra-conservative, oppressive government in the Lone Star State.
TWO: Is that the MAGAs? Well, yes, it is…hi MAGAs!
MAGS: Hello.
MAGGY: Make it quick, we’re real busy right now.
TWO: I can see that. I’ve never seen two people with four, large, overloaded grocery carts. What gives?
MAGGY: What gives? Save the Ebonics ‘bro man. Me not understand gibberish. Can’t you people even speak proper English?
TWO: Mags, why the large grocery haul.
MAGS: We’re helping Magnet fill up her refrigerator and kitchen. She just moved back up here.
TWO: Wow! Magnet came back. Good for her. What town did she move to?
MAGS: We’re not telling you that information. You’d be banging on her door within the hour.
MAGGY: No honey, remember, you told him to stay away from Magnet. He won’t even try it.
MAGS: Magnet attracts men like Democrats attract liberal losers: All. Day. Long. Don’t trust Mr. Opine.
TWO: You have my assurances I never have and never will contact Magnet. When’d you get in town?
MAGS: We arrived a few days ago. Been too busy to call you.
TWO: I was not holding my breath.
MAGGY: We attended a school board meeting the other night.
TWO: Oh? You no longer live here, haven’t had a school-age kid for more than a decade, and went to a school board meeting?
MAGS: Hey, do not get sassy with my wife.
TWO: Just asking a question.
MAGGY: It’s likely beyond your capacity to understand plain English.
TWO: Try me.
MAGGY: Someday Magnet will marry and have children. We want to know what’s going on with the schools around here so we can prepare.
TWO: Prepare for what?
MAGS: Forced mask-wearing and arm-twisting to make parents vaccinate their children…
MAGGY: And school crossing guards and security cops being treated like crap.
TWO: You two sound paranoid!
MAGS: No, just taking precautions like everyone should.
TWO: Then explain why you wear your mask below your nose.
MAGGY: Because we damned feel like it.
MAGS: We don’t have to explain nuttin’ to you.
TWO: Let me help you. Most virus cases result from tiny droplets entering through the nose.
MAGGY: Save it, man. If you want to preach become a minister.
MAGS: Plus, these things make a person look ridiculous.
TWO: It’s more ridiculous not to fully protect yourself by wearing the mask over your nose. And you’ll look more ridiculous with an intubation tube stuck down your throat.
MAGS: You preach better than MJK.
TWO: MJK?
MAGS: Yea, you know, Martin Junior King.
MAGGY: A junior king…doesn’t that mean he’s a prince? Or a jack?
TWO: Uh, oh.
MAGS: MJK’s the one who dreamt he gave a speech at the Washington Monument.
MAGGY: No, honey, he did give a speech. But it was at the Jefferson Memorial.
MAGS: You sure?
MAGGY: Positive. And no one wore a mask.
TWO: Where do I begin?
MAGGY: In the Garden of Eden.
TWO: His name was Martin Luther King, Jr., a.k.a. MLK. King’s most famous speech – “I Have A Dream” – was delivered at the Lincoln Memorial in front of 250,000 people. Masks were not worn because there was no coronavirus 58 years ago.
MAGS: If I was in that crowd, I would have worn a mask and pulled it way up over my nose.
MAGGY: I would’ve worn earplugs too, so I wouldn’t have to listen to the garbage coming from that liberal-infested stage.
MAGS: Didn’t those people rush the Capitol Building after the speech?
TWO: No, it was a peaceful event. You’re thinking of the mob insurrection attempt on January 6, 2021.
MAGS: Oh, boy, here we go. January 6. January 6. January 6.
MAGGY: What about Hillary Clinton and Benghazi? And that pizza parlor in D.C.?
MAGS: And your boy Obama. Where’s he from anyhow?
TWO: Isn’t your flight leaving for Texas soon?
MAGS: We drove here in our car.
MAGS/MAGGY: Without masks!!
TWO: Knock yourselves out.
MAGGY: Do you have any money? We left our credit cards in the car.
TWO: See ya.
© 2021 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.