MEET MAGGY
Out for an afternoon walk the other day, I spotted Mags and his wife sitting on a park bench. They appeared to be somewhat forlorn, present yet distant, so I engaged them in conversation. Mags wore a mask, his wife did not.
THE WEEKLY OPINE (TWO): Well, now, hello Mags. How goes it?
MAGS: Oh, things are OK. Spending time outdoors before everything shuts down again because of the coronavirus hoax. You remember my wife, Maggy?
TWO: Of course. Hi Maggy.
MAGGY: Hi. Could you back up a little bit? I finally decided social distancing is smart so back up, please.
TWO: Sure. I’m already on the other side of the path so there’s at least 10 feet between us. And I am wearing a mask, while you are not.
MAGGY: It is my right not to wear a mask just like it’s my right not to take the garbage out. Thank you.
TWO: Mags, I gotta ask, is your given name Mags?
MAGS: My real name was Rupert. I legally changed it to Mags in 2017 after Trump said, “there were very fine people on both sides.” My brother did the same thing. Changed his name from Homer to Maggot.
TWO: Hmmm. I suppose Maggy is not your given name?
MAGGY: Right. My name was Gertrude. I changed it to Maggy in 2018 when Melania wore that shirt that read, “I really don’t care, do u?” My twin sister did the same thing. Changed her name from Geraldine to Magpie.
TWO: Ah, I see. Mags and Maggy.
MAGS/MAGGY: The MAGAs!
TWO: Wait, you didn’t change your last name, did you?
MAGS: We did.
MAGGY: We changed our daughter’s name, too. From Darlene to Magnet.
TWO: Magnet?
MAGS: Yes, Magnet. She attracts MAGA boys like nothin’ you’ve ever seen before. I sit on the porch with a shotgun durn near every night. Them MAGA fellas can’t resist our sweet Magnet!
TWO: Isn’t she like, 29?
MAGGY: Magnet is 30.
TWO: Well, OK. Otherwise, is everything alright? You both look pensive.
MAGS: Pence is…what? We don’t look like Pence.
TWO: No, no, is something bothering you? You look pensive.
MAGGY: Pence is? What do you mean “Pence is?” Pence is the vice president.
MAGS: Honey, this guy is well-read. He knows Pence is the VP.
MAGGY: Then why is he asking us who Pence is?
TWO: Pensive…
MAGGY: I’ll tell you what Pence is, he’s a flippin’ wuss, sucking up to Trump the way he does. His wife must be petrified!
TWO: Pence’s wife’s name is Karen. She’s probably too busy calling the cops on Black people - who are walking around breathing - to even notice what Pence is doing.
MAGGY: That must be why you never see that Black sheriff from Milwaukee, the one who wore the cowboy hat at the 2016 Republican convention.
TWO: David Clarke...
MAGGY: Yes, Sheriff Clarke. I get him confused with Ben Carson. Karen Pence called the cops on the sheriff and poof! he disappeared.
MAGS: Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Diamond and Silk lately, either. I wonder if Karen Pence called the cops on them?
MAGGY: Somebody should. Maybe I’ll call the cops on Dog the Bounty Hunter. But do not call me Karen. I am not changing my name again.
MAGS: Dog the Bounty Hunter is not Black.
MAGGY: Doesn’t matter, he needs the cops called on him…yesterday!
TWO: Wow! You people are not pensive, you are crazy!
MAGGY: Stop harassing us. You’d better run along Mister Opine, I just called the cops on you…
© 2020 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.