TATTOOS GONE WILD
A trip to the tattoo parlor goes off the rails. (Photo credit The Weekly Opine)
Abbreviations matter
My new BFF, Mags the MAGA, called again this week. The things that get Mags, his wife Maggy and their 30-something daughter Magnet, tied in knots never cease to amaze me. I may have to start blocking their phone calls.
TWO: Hello, who is this?
MAGS: It’s Mags! I thought you had caller ID?
TWO: I do. However, since you always ask how I know it’s you calling, I decided to pretend not to know who it was.
MAGS: Spoken like a true lib. Pretending not to know.
TWO: Huh?
MAGS: You liberals pretend not to know the 2020 election was stolen, rigged against Trump.
TWO: False.
MAGS: You antifa-sympathizers pretend not to know antifa destroyed the U.S. Capitol on January 6, while peaceful Trump supporters quietly toured the building.
TWO: False again. What’s got you riled up? It’s way too early in the day to be so ornery.
MAGS: Horny? I’m not horny.
MAGGY: Not until you take three doses of Viagra and a shot of bourbon. Then you become wild and sexy, like the pillow guy!
TWO: Mike Lindell? TMI.
MAGGY. What?
TWO: Too much information.
MAGGY: Don’t you tell me what to say or not say, opine man.
TWO: Geez, y’all are jumpy today.
MAGS: You’d be jumpy, too, if your daughter got a tattoo.
TWO: Wow, Magnet got tatted?
MAGNET: Yes.
TWO: What’d you get?
MAGNET: Well, I meant to get a tattoo of the Republican symbol. But I couldn’t remember whether the GOP symbol is an elephant or a donkey. So, the guy who tatted me, he’s Hispanic, I asked him but he didn’t know. He’s only been in Texas for about a year.
MAGS: Probably here illegally.
MAGNET: But he did say he likes donkeys more than elephants.
MAGGY: He probably crossed the Rio Grande riding a donkey.
MAGNET: Anyhow, since the cute tattoo guy likes donkeys, I got a donkey tattoo.
TWO: A red, white and blue donkey tattoo?
MAGNET: Yes. It’s on my right shoulder blade.
TWO: You know the donkey is the Democratic symbol, right?
MAGNET: Yeah, I do now. Go ahead mom, tell Mr. Opine you got a tattoo.
TWO: Really? What’s your tattoo, Maggy?
MAGGY: That’s none of your business.
MAGNET: I’ll tell you.
TWO: I’m all ears.
MAGNET: Well, it’s…
MAGGY: I can speak for myself! The girl who did my tattoo asked if I have a favorite saying. I said yes, I have a favorite saying. When Magnet was little and kids would ask if she could come out and play, if we were busy, I’d say, “Not all angels can play.” I wanted a tattoo of that phrase.
TWO: How sweet.
MAGGY: The tattoo girl – she was only about 20 – said she was low on ink and suggested I just use the first letter of each word. I said fine, make it an acumen.
TWO: Ah, that would be an acronym. But in this case it’s an abbreviation.
MAGGY: Whatever. I told her to go ahead.
TWO: Hmmm… Not. All. Angels. Can. Play… NAACP. Uh, oh.
MAGGY: Yes, unfortunately, NAACP is tattooed on my left calf in big letters running vertically.
TWO: LOL!!
MAGGY: Mags, tell him about your tattoo.
TWO: OMG, Mags got one, too?
MAGS: What I do is really none of your business.
MAGGY: Tell him, or I will.
MAGS: Well, I was in another room getting a tattoo at the same time as Maggy and Magnet. The boy who did my tattoo asked me the same thing, if I have a favorite saying.
TWO: And…
MAGS: So, I told him my favorite saying is, “Life gives bold tough questions.” I wanted a tattoo of that phrase. Then he also says the shop is almost out of ink. He said I should just use the first letter of each word. You know, an acumen.
TWO: Acronym. But in this case it’s just an abbreviation.
MAGS: I told him to go ahead.
TWO: No, you didn’t!
MAGS: Yes, I did. Never put two and two together until it was too late.
TWO: Life. Gives. Bold. Tough. Questions… LGBTQ. Oh, boy. Where?
MAGS: On the outside of my left arm, located between the tricep and bicep. My left arm is bigger than my right arm. I always show off my left arm.
MAGGY: Several years ago, Mags even had me cut the left sleeve – only the left sleeve – off all his tee-shirts so he can show off his left arm.
MAGS: And now LGBTQ, in big letters, is tattooed on my big left arm! $%#&@!!!
TWO: Heavens. At least the tattoo artist didn’t add the “+” symbol. LOL!
MAGS: Knock it off, wise guy.
TWO: Sounds like the three of you should knock off your ill-advised tattoos.
MAGS/MAGGY/MAGNET: Shut up, opine man!
TWO: Have fun wearing long sleeve shirts and long pants – in hotter than hell Texas – the rest of summer!
MAGS: (Click; hangs up)
© 2023 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.