A HISTORY LESSON

New year, same family

I received a phone call from Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy and their 30-something daughter Magnet this week. To say the MAGA family are unglued is too kind. As usual, they initiate the proceedings and I go along for a bumpy ride.

TWO: Hello. Hello?

MAGS: Oh, hey, it’s Mags. You’re on speaker.

MAGGY & MAGNET: Hello, Opine Man.

TWO: Hi. What’s up?

MAGS: I got a question for you.

TWO: Shoot.

MAGGY: I have a question, too.

TWO: OK.

MAGS: Wait a minute, Maggy, I go first.

TWO: Somebody begin, the meter’s running.

MAGGY: Ladies first. Magnet, tell Mr. Opine what you did.

MAGNET: I just joined a new group that supports Donald Trump.

MAGGY: Yea, and we want to know your opinion.

TWO: About what?

MAGGY: Well, the name of the group…tell him Magnet.

MAGNET: Chumps for Trump!

MAGGY: I’m not sure, but it sounds derogatory to me. Maybe it isn’t. What do you think?

TWO: Well, a chump is generally regarded as…according to Webster’s, “a person who is easily tricked; a stupid or foolish person.”

MAGGY: OK, I wasn’t sure if Chumps for Trump has a negative connotation. I guess the organizers of the group don’t know that. Tell Webster we said “thanks.”

MAGNET: Who is Webster and why should we believe him?

TWO: Webster’s is the venerable dictionary, a leading source to learn the definition of words.

MAGS: Hey, man, we know you went to college. You don’t have to shove your knowledge of that philosopher Webster in our faces.

MAGNET: I attended college for one week. I left after orientation. The books were too expensive.

MAGS: Too bad Ron DeSantis wasn’t in charge back then because the cost of books would’ve been much less.

MAGGY: DeSantis would’ve gotten rid of all those trashy, liberal history and political science books!

TWO: Anything else?

MAGS: Yes. Now, my question.

TWO: OK, Mags, go for it.

MAGS: We saw Nikki Haley on TV a couple weeks ago. She was asked about the Civil War. I cannot believe, as a former governor of South Carolina, she doesn’t know Civil War history. I mean, you do know South Carolina was the first state to succeed?

TWO: Don’t you mean secede?

MAGS: Duh, I mean succeed. South Carolina succeeded in starting the Civil War.

TWO: Here we go…

MAGS: Nikki Haley said some mumbo jumbo about states’ rights or lost cause or something. That is flat out nonsense!

TWO: Wow, are you enlightened?

MAGS. You are correct, my man! The Civil War was about lighting.

TWO: What the…

MAGS: The dispute between the North and South began over lighting.

MAGGY: Daylight Savings Time. Daylight Savings Time started the Civil War.

TWO: O-M-G!

MAGGY: Believe it or not Mr. Opine, that’s what caused the Civil War. The North wanted Daylight Savings Time and the South was against it.

TWO: Please, no.

MAGS: Yes, the North wanted more light so kids could play outside longer.

MAGGY: And the South was worried all that light would damage their azaleas.

TWO: You do know Daylight Savings Time didn’t go into effect until 1918?

MAGNET: I thought the Civil War ended in 1783?

TWO: That was the Revolutionary War, also called the War of Independence. The Civil War ended in 1865.

MAGNET: Oh. Azaleas are so beautiful!

MAGS: Listen, smarty pants Opine Man, if Daylight Savings started in 1918 then the Civil War ended in 1918.

TWO: No, that is incorrect. World War I ended in 1918.

MAGGY: I am sick and tired of you, Opine Man! You think you know everything!

TWO: Well, you did call me to ask a couple of questions.

MAGGY: Just to hear you give the wrong answer. Whatever you say I know the exact opposite is true.

TWO: I see. Then try this out; Trump is the most trustworthy man in America.

MAGGY: No, he’s not. He’s a liar.

TWO: Gotcha! Goodbye...

MAGGY: Wait, I mean, that’s true. Trump is trustworthy!

TWO: So long…

MAGS: &#@%!!

TWO: (Click)

 

© 2024 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.

Douglas Freeland