A BIT MULCH
Mulch choices send the MAGAs into a spiral. (Photo credit The Weekly Opine)
The MAGA’s spring fling
This week while shopping at Home Depot The Weekly Opine bumped into Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy the MAGA, and their 30-something daughter Magnet. Mags’ brother Maggot the MAGA and his wife Magpie the MAGA (Maggy’s twin) were not present.
TWO: Mags, hi, how’re you doing?
MAGS: What’s good about it?
TWO: Huh? I just said “hi.”
MAGS: And I just asked what’s good about it?
MAGGY: I’ll tell you what’s good about it. President Trump is cleaning up the mess made by FDR, JFK, LBJ, Jimmy Carter, the Clintons, Obama and Biden.
TWO: Oh, boy. How?
MAGS: He’s making the Chinese pay for everything. There’s a billion Chinese. Trump’s making those suckers pay his 145% tariffs. The Chinese are paying China’s tariffs, too. Trump’s double-dipping. He’s a financial wizard!
TWO: No, he’s lying again. Trump’s tariffs are paid by Americans. It amounts to the biggest tax increase in decades. We’ll pay up to $4,700 more to buy stuff this year. And despite Trump walking back some tariffs, the 27% average effective tariff rate is much higher than the modern-era average rate of 2.4%.
MAGGY: Hush. Father Trump and Elon Musk are saving us from Abe Lincoln’s emasculation proclamation and Martin Luther King’s rambling about having nightmares.
MAGNET: Elon Musk is hot! I wonder if…
MAGS: Magnet!
TWO: You OK with Musk trashing Social Security?
MAGGY: A lib dope like you can’t understand Musk is fixing Social Security.
TWO: Really?
MAGS: We’ll know more when Maggot and Magpie finish applying for benefits.
TWO: How’s that going?
MAGS: Very efficient just like DOGE intended.
MAGGY: Magpie’s been on the phone, on hold for almost a week. It’s a cordless phone so she can move around the house. She said they play good music while you’re on hold. None of that rap crap. What’s his name, Snooze Button?
TWO: Snoop Dogg?
MAGGY: Whatever.
MAGS: Maggot drove 200 miles to the nearest open Social Security office. He’s been standing in line for two days. He says they sing campfire songs and take turns going out for sandwiches and coffee.
MAGNET: The last time I stood in line for two days was buying tickets to see that Canadian pop singer, Michael Bublé!
MAGS: He won’t be Canadian for long. King Trump is turning Canada into our 51st state. Bublé will become an American.
TWO: Not happening.
MAGGY: Wonder where they’ll put the 51st star on the American flag?
MAGNET: They should let Michael Bublé decide. He’s very creative. And he’s dreamy!
MAGS: Magnet!
TWO: Don’t hold your breath about Canada.
MAGGY: Do not tell us what to do, Opine man! We’ll hold our breath if we feel like it.
TWO: Be my guest.
MAGGY: Never. We will not sleep at your cockroach infested house.
TWO: OH-kay.
MAGS: It’s not OK. That’s what I said earlier. What’s good about it?
TWO: I see where this is headed.
MAGGY: There you go, Mister I-can-see-into-the-future know-it-all. You should be deported.
TWO: What brings you to Home Depot?
MAGS: Mulch.
MAGGY: But because of DEI they don’t even have white mulch.
MAGNET: Only black, brown and red mulch.
MAGS: I am pissed! They got black mulch for the Blacks. Brown mulch for the Hispanics. Red mulch for the Native Americans. But no white mulch for us!
MAGGY: I hate DEI mulch!
MAGNET: I like red mulch. It matches my red hair!
MAGS: Magnet!
MAGGY: Is it too much to ask of Home Depot to carry green mulch that matches my green eyes?
TWO: Lord, have mercy.
MAGS: Hey, do not take the Lord’s name in vain.
TWO: Enough, enough. I gotta go. So long.
© 2025 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, Magnet the MAGA, Maggot the MAGA and Magpie the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.