MORE OF THEM
(Photos credit The Weekly Opine, Google Maps)
Unexpected visit
This week, I was introduced to Mags the MAGA’s relatives. Specifically, Mags’ brother Maggot and his wife Magpie who, along with Mags, Maggy and their 30-something year-old daughter Magnet were traveling to Milwaukee for the RNC Convention. Regrettably, they stopped by my place to rest.
TWO (Answering the door): Wow, a visit from Mags! What do I owe this to?
MAGS: We’re on our way to Milwaukee for the convention. It’s cramped in the camper with five of us, so we decided to stop and stretch our legs. Let us come in.
TWO: The convention doesn’t start for two and a half weeks! You’re only 90 miles from Milwaukee.
MAGS: Hey, we’re tired, can we come in?
TWO: OH-kay, come on in. Who are your friends?
MAGS: This is my brother Maggot and his wife Magpie.
MAGGY: Magpie’s my twin sister.
MAGS: Maggot and Magpie, meet Opine man.
MAGGY: He’s Black.
MAGPIE: I see.
MAGGOT: A friend of yours?
MAGS: We worked together years ago at a factory.
MAGGOT: Did he show up for work on time when you were his boss?
TWO: Nice to meet you. Not that I owe you an explanation but, yes, I got to work on time. And no, Mags was not my boss.
MAGGOT: What time did you two have to clock in?
MAGS: I punched the clock every morning at 8 a.m. sharp!
TWO: I didn’t have to clock in. I was a salaried office employee.
MAGGOT: Even back then a woke company. What a bunch of crap!
MAGPIE: Opine man, is it true what they say?
TWO: I don’t know, what are you talking about?
MAGGY: Don’t play dumb, you know exactly what she’s talking about. And it’s true.
MAGS: Maggy!!!
MAGNET: What’s true?
TWO: C’mon now…
MAGGY: Shush, Opine man! You know it’s true. You guys over-index liking basketball and dancing.
MAGPIE: I’ve heard people say that. Did Gov. DeSantis say that when we lived in Florida? Or was it Kari Lake when we lived in Arizona?
MAGNET: I like basketball. There’s that cute really tall player, I think his name is Whatsupwithyomama.
MAGS: Magnet!!!
TWO: I think you mean Victor Wembanyama.
MAGS: You guys love Crown Royal, too. I worked with a couple of you people that couldn’t get enough Crown Royal.
TWO: You people?
MAGGY: I bet you people showed up late for work because of Crown Royal.
MAGPIE (musing dreamily): I wish Maggot would take me to see the crown royals in Britannica.
TWO: You mean Britain? Britannica is an encyclopedia company.
MAGGY: Opine man always shows off how smart he thinks he is.
MAGGOT: I ain’t goin’ nowhere where people worship crown-wearing royals.
TWO: You worship Trump.
MAGGOT: Mags, what’s with this guy? I thought that rapper said Black men are with President Trump.
TWO: I’m not.
MAGNET: Was it Kanye West? He changed his name to Yeezy.
MAGGY: Sleazy is more like it.
TWO: The rapper you’re thinking of who claims Black men support Trump goes by 50 Cent.
MAGS: Trust me, we don’t sit around thinkin’ about none of them hoodlum rappers.
MAGGY: Why would anyone go by the name 50 Cent? Who thinks they’re only worth 50 cents? Why not call yourself 100,000 Dollars?
MAGPIE: He should call himself 5 Million. I buy lottery tickets when the prize is 5 million dollars. But 50 Cent? He must not think much of himself.
TWO: Do you have credentials to get in the convention?
MAGS: Not yet. We’re getting tickets on StubHub.
MAGGOT: Or buying tickets from scalpers outside the arena.
TWO: Something tells me StubHub won’t have access to credentials.
MAGPIE: Maggy’s right. You’re a negative Nelly, Opine man.
MAGGY: Isn’t he? A real downer.
TWO: Well, here’s more bad news. There won’t be scalpers selling tickets.
MAGGY & MAGPIE: Be quiet!
MAGNET: We could come back to Mr. Opine’s and watch the convention. The camper doesn’t have a TV.
TWO: Stay here for four days?
MAGS: That’s a possibility.
MAGGY & TWO: No it’s not!
MAGGOT: Let’s go. I don’t want Opine man’s Black Lives Matter woke-ness rubbing off on me.
MAGPIE: Yea, coming here into this environment was a mistake. I need a shower.
MAGNET: Our camper doesn’t have a shower.
MAGS: Can’t you see Opine man’s spirit is hurting? Everyone join hands.
MAGGY: Don’t touch me, Opine man!
MAGPIE: Me, either!
MAGS: OK. Maggy, Magnet, Maggot and Magpie, let’s join hands. Opine man just bow your head.
TWO: Nope.
MAGS: Dear Father Trump, this man needs you. Compel him to walk into that booth in November and vote for you.
TWO: I vote by mail.
MAGS: Then Father Trump show us where he keeps his stamps so we can confiscate them.
TWO: Stamps are in the bedroom.
MAGGY: Typical. We’ve been here less than 15 minutes and he’s trying to get us into the bedroom.
MAGPIE: He wants to have an orgy! Yuck!
TWO: Actually, I’m inviting you to leave. Enjoy the convention.
MAGNET: I’m hungry.
MAGS: Let’s go. There’s a Cracker Barrel nearby.
MAGPIE: We loved Old Country Buffett but they all closed. Opine man, you’ve probably never eaten at a nice place like Old Country Buffett.
TWO: When the first two words of a restaurant’s name are Old and Country, I stay away.
MAGGY: Maybe we should eat at IHOP.
MAGNET: What’s that?
MAGGY: International House of Pancakes. Surely, Opine man, you’ve eaten at IHOP.
TWO: Nah, I hop right past that place. Why does it matter? I’m not going with you.
MAGS: So true. Let’s get outta here. Goodbye.
TWO: Have fun in Milwaukee. And don’t forget, the debate is tonight.
© 2024 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, Magnet the MAGA, Maggot the MAGA and Magpie the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.