TALL TALES — The Weekly Opine

No team…not one of them, has won more Super Bowls than the Chicago Bears. (Photo credit The Weekly Opine)

A wandering mind creates ‘reality’

Some say they are egregious but, come to think of it, maybe not. On the other hand, those of us who adhere to norms, such as facts, truth, and science, may have it all wrong. The way out of doldrums could be to mimic desperate MAGAs who create their own lies-based alternate reality.

Just sit around and play Danny Dreamer. That is what most of the MAGA crowd does. It is an exercise that takes you back to your early childhood, when pretending was how you spent a large chunk of time. Replace the Batman or Catwoman costume of your childhood with an unmoored imagination, maybe goaded by now-legal marijuana.

So, today I create a Trump/MAGA-like alternate reality (marijuana was not needed)…

On any given Sunday

I watched the Chicago Bears play the New Orleans Saints last Sunday in an NFL playoff game. According to the media, the final score was Saints 21, Bears 9. In reality (my new reality) the Bears won that game by a score of 9-0. Clearly, the NFL conspired with referees to steal the game from the Bears and award the Saints an undeserved victory. I watched the entire game and never witnessed New Orleans score a touchdown.

Consequently, I ask all Bears fans and truth-seekers to join me in New York City this weekend to protest at NFL Headquarters. If nothing else, we can break in and steal all the Super Bowl rings displayed in the reception area.

I personally have been to NFL Headquarters and the Super Bowl rings, one representing each team that won the Super Bowl, are quite impressive. The cluster of diamonds in each ring has significantly increased since the first Super Bowl. Any of those rings would look nice on any of my fingers. Maybe one for each of the record-setting ten Super Bowls won by my beloved Chicago Bears.

Cotton covers the ground and sticks in the trees in the warm climate where I live. The year-round temperature averages 80 degrees. (Photo credit The Weekly Opine)

Baby it’s not cold outside

Despite a home address that suggests I live in the Midwest the truth is I live in a very warm climate. I ignore the fake news weathercasters who, for example, claim the temperature is 35 degrees outside when it is obviously 75 degrees. Snow on the ground? That’s not snow, silly head, it’s cotton. It falls from the sky this time of year. It is beautiful when it sticks to trees. And do not try to persuade me those are snowplows. They are new-fangled cotton harvesting machines.

Speaking of my home, at first glance my house looks typical. Not outsized or anything like that. But look again and you will see my house is the size of one of those European castles nestled along the Rhone (or is it the Rhine?) River. My house/castle can only be described as ginormous! Humongous! Forty bedrooms and 20.5 baths. A 33-car garage pays tribute to the 33 racecars that qualify each year for the Indy 500. Plus, ten fireplaces in case the temperature outside dips below 70 degrees.

This is not a Taurus. It’s a Lamborghini! (Photo credit The Weekly Opine)

That car on my driveway? The branding says Ford Taurus. Not so. Upon closer inspection you will see the car is a Lamborghini. It’s fast, too. Much faster than a Taurus.

There is a painting in my living room that my friends like. The painting, which I paid around $300 for years ago, has evolved into a masterpiece, worth tens of millions of dollars. The only reason I do not have insurance for the painting is because my state-of-the-art alarm system is rated as more protective than the security system that guards the Queen of England. That’s right, I have it going on!

Your own “truth” sets you free

Despite a photo that appears to show me as an intramural basketball player, in reality (at least in my reality) I was a star player on Indiana University’s undefeated national championship team in 1976. Ignore the ragtag uniform shown in the photo. The fake news media manipulated the photo. I would not be caught dead – or alive – wearing such a sketchy uniform. Furthermore, I was a unanimous All-American in 1976, MVP of the Final Four, and a veritable Big Man on Campus.

Fake media doctored this photo of me - replacing my Indiana jersey with a nondescript intramural jersey - when in “fact” I was a star player on IU’s national championship team. (Photo credit Douglas Freeland)

Have you ever watched one of those documentaries about Apollo 11? You know, where Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin supposedly were the first humans to walk on the moon? If you look closely you can see me lurking in the shadows, sitting on a chaise lounge chair.

Just weeks shy of my 12th birthday, I arrived on the lunar surface a few days before Armstrong and Aldrin and, therefore, was the first person on the moon. I did not utter famous words, as did Armstrong, because there was no one to talk to when I landed. When Armstrong and Aldrin finally showed up, I asked them, “Did you bring the Captain Crunch?”

And forget Barack Obama, I was the first Black president. I threw a party when I turned 35-years-old, announced my candidacy and then everyone at my party voted for me. Thus, I was the first candidate to achieve 100-percent of the vote. I immediately resigned because I was having too much fun living in the big city, hitting blues clubs, dance clubs and playing intramural softball, er, I mean playing right field for the Chicago White Sox. I was a perennial Major League Baseball all-star. One year my batting average was .525 and I hit 90 homeruns. Man, I was good!

It’s your life, create whatever tale you want

For Inauguration Day next week, I’ve been invited to sing the national anthem, give the invocation, and replace Chief Justice John Roberts to swear-in Joe Biden (you’ll recall Roberts awkwardly tripped-up Obama when he swore him in the first time). Afterwards, I’ve been asked to go to the White House and make sure Trump has cleared out. In other words, next week will be a whirlwind for me which, in my alternate reality, now happens frequently.

Thanks to inspiration from MAGAs, my life is one, big, continuous fairy tale!